TIRED

This was a post I made on this day a year ago, and I still feel the same.

Ok here we go, sighing 😥, it amazes me that people steady be complaining about BS. Life is to short to always be worried about somebody else business and what they doing. I would trade all of your SO CALLED problems and let you have mines. You can have the body aches, the loosing of my hair, the not being able to eat for days, the barely can walk at times. I have been told the chemo I'm taking is not working so I'm taking new meds and when I tell you these pains are pains I never felt before. Now I can relate to the elderly when they say their bones ache. I have to get these legs to moving better than they have been. The nausea is not good either at this stage in my treatments and all I can ask for is that you continue to pray for me and family, I know this is a lot on them as well. But I made a promise that I will NEVER give up and I promise I will CONTINUE to fight, as long as you all continue to pray for me.

In the words of my Grandma "my tired is tired" #endallCANcer#divawithadiagnosis #faitingit #childofgod #metastaticovarianCANcer#CANcersux #shun4CANcer0

What Cancer CANNOT do

Hi Everyone,

I have been thinking lately about the struggle cancer patients have with not letting their cancer define them. I am particularly focused on this dilemma now, as I spend time and share love with my Sherri, who is in the end stage of Glioblastoma. Throughout her illness, Sherri has demonstrated bravery, positivity, and hope. She has not let her cancer dictate who she is, though the illness has taken so much from her, and has changed his entire daily life experience. 

Though Sherri is bed-ridden, weak, and in pain, she will not let her cancer have power over her. When she can summon the energy to speak, it is to share a joke, or reminisce about so many wonderful memories she had.

I have taken my cue from my friend, staring cancer in the face and putting it in its place. It is something I have to work at. I call up my friends attitudes and battles, trying to somehow absorb their bravery, strength, outlook, and sense of power, no matter what their cancers have thrown at them.

Below is a writing I have hanging next to my computer. I read it every day – sometimes several times a day. It reminds me of the lessons my friend have taught me. You are not your cancer. You are so much more. Celebrate all that you have and are, and let cancer know who’s in charge.

‘Til next time,

         “What Cancer Cannot Do”

Cancer is so limited…

It cannot cripple love.

It cannot shatter hope.

It cannot corrode faith.

It cannot eat away peace.

It cannot destroy confidence.

It cannot kill friendship.

It cannot shut out memories.

It cannot silence courage.

It cannot reduce eternal life.

It cannot quench the Spirit.

         Author: Unknown

3 Reminders For The Start of A New Year

The beginning of New Year’s Resolutions and setting goals. But what do you do when cancer is on the calendar? How do you pick up the pieces of a life turned upside down? As a survivor, I found myself reflecting on the lessons that cancer taught me—vital lessons—that need to be remembered.

1. Time is Limited. For Everyone.

We all know that we are mortal and we don't have forever on this earth. Don't we? In the back of our minds, we know this, but cancer thrusts that knowledge smack dab between our eyes and we are forced to stare that reality in the face.

At first, the thought can be paralyzing, shutting a person down, but there is freedom in embracing the limits of time and making the most of the gift we have been given.

As,a four-time cancer survivor, who faces chemo for the rest of my life I say, "I don't think too much about the long-term future other than that I want to still be here to enjoy it. I am happy if I wake up on this side of the dirt. I focus on what I can do and don’t worry about what I can no longer do."

Others use the diagnosis of limited time to spring them into action. In the book, Dancing with Limbo: Making Sense of Life After Cancer, Jeanette, a lung cancer survivor in her 80's said, "You don't have time to waste…When you're alive and well and kicking...Don't wait. I mean, it's not like...you're immortal."

My response to limited time was to begin blogging about my journey and helping others along theirs.....

2. Relax. It's Okay to Waste Time.

Wait a minute! What do you mean it's okay to waste time? Didn't you just say there is no time to waste?

Yes, I did....... 

As a hardworking Southern country girl, who was raised by a grandmother who never sat down except to eat dinner, and who preferred the control of a detailed list, one of the biggest lessons I learned from being diagnosed was that time is a wonderful commodity to waste. The world is not going to fall apart if I take some time off.

To leave the running of the universe in the hands of God and to take time for family and friends is a lesson I don't want to lose. One of the first things that goes on my calendar is time for family and things I enjoy....

Sunya, a caregiver, states, "Tell the person you love them. Eat the pizza. I am still a 'planner' to the end, but now I make a concerted effort to 'plan' to enjoy whatever time I and my loved ones share together."

3. Focus on Purpose Over Calendar.

Facing the boundaries of time and loosening our grip of control in order to relax and enjoy life allows us to fully live in the face of a precarious future and our own mortality. Once we let go of what we can't control—denying death and knowing the future—we can focus our energy on making decisions that have to do with purpose and what matters most.

Why was I put on this earth? This question is a query worth investigating and delving into, because that question has an answer, no matter the length of our days.

I believe we were put on this earth for a purpose. A good purpose. Cancer does not have the power to rob us of being kind. Of doing good. Of pouring our lives (even a shortened life) into things that matter. 

What about you? 

How has your diagnosis affected how you look at goal setting? What do you feel is your life purpose? Share in the comments below.

Bad Things Happen To Good People!!!

Well, the roller coaster hit the high and is heading down for a brief moment, hopefully only a moment.  I've been asking myself why bad things happen to good people?

It's horrible that all of this has happened to so many of us.  These illnesses that are beyond our control and sometimes unstoppable.

But, as a Christian, I believe that this life on earth is only the land of shadows, and real eternal life has yet to begin.  The end is really our beginning.  This doesn't make things easier on our loved ones, or even ourselves when we think of people we are leaving behind.  I'm not necessarily speaking about myself here, because I'm doing okay for now with my treatment I'm praying.

I think a lot of suffering is a test to our faith in God.  Faith doesn't always mean you will live or things will go the way you planned.  It means that you believe He knows what He is doing.  There is a reason for all that will happen.  It doesn't mean we have to be happy about it, but we can do the best we can to accept it.  Life can change so quickly, I can't emphasize that enough.  Please don't worry about the little things and tell your loved ones how much they are loved every day.  You never know when it may be your last.

Please remember the following people in your prayers:  Marla Jones, Coqueace "Koco" Powell, Yolanda "Miss Cotton" Bennett, Cyn Fox, Sonia Moore, Shawnee Lewis, Tonya Broyles, Korri Fields, Karri Lemon, Fusha Roberts, Tasha Flo, Danielle Taylor, Rolando Tate, and also many I forgot to name.They still all have their own battles.

Please pray for the strength and peace for Ana-Alecia Ayala family right now, she was such an inspiration and the real definition of a FIGHTER, WARRIOR, and SHERO,  she has gained her wings. Heaven now has another angel to watch over us. Please see Ana-Alecia Ayala Legacy Fund  to find out more information.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers throughout my journey too. I still have my faith and continue to believe that all of this is part of God's plan for me, wherever that may take me.  We all have our trials and tribulations, but are never alone, even in our darkest hour.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Caregivers

It's been a couple of days since my last post, but something has been weighing on my mind lately.

Sometimes, us cancer patients get so wrapped up in our journey, that we forget how hard it is on the people that care about us.  I'm going to use my children as an example, because they have been my rocks, yet watching them see their mother go through so much has to be the most awful thing in the world.  To me, I would rather go through this myself than have them go through it, both emotionally and physically.  So the toll it has to take on them is indescribable. 

You see, I know where I'm going one day.  I know that day may be sooner than them, but with all the new drugs coming out, it may very well be later.  But, I know we are all going to the same place, HOME.  That, in itself, is comforting.  Royce & Alexis have a great love for each other and loves one another more than the world, that gives me more peace, they will be safe and taken care of by each other, they have a bond like one never seen before by a brother and sister.

Sometimes, you don't think about these things when life is going well.  But when it takes a turn for the worse, it can consume you if you don't have your religion and your support system in place. 

I feel like right now, my kids need prayers.  I know Royce, Lex, my mom, my dad, sisters, brothers, and my other close friends need prayer too.  But, as a mother myself, I feel like it's different.  Plus, so far we have lost many family members. Lex is a senior in high school and have dreams of going to college and becoming part of the medical field.  Compile that on with the stress of having a mother with stage 4  Ovarian Cancer and it's a recipe for disaster.  I don't know how she holds it together so well, but she does. 

I do know that they love me more than anything, even when I'm fussing.  It's different now.  Cancer has done some good for us.  We communicate so much better.  And we don't take our time together for granted.  We forgive easily.

As much as cancer sucks, from now on, I'm going to try and point out one positive thing it brought into my life by the grace of God.  And in this post, that positive thing is the relationship I have with my children that has brought us closer than ever. "My 2 Piece"  I'm so blessed to have been given such a dysfunctional, yet loving, funny, charismatic family.  We all group text....making each other laugh and we are all so much closer even though our physical distance is so much greater.  So for that cancer, I thank you,  But, the rest of you still sucks until I point out another positive on my next post, lol.

So, next time you're saying your prayers, please pray for peace for my kids.  I plan on being here for as long as God allows.  And I'm going to be happy doing it because every day is a gift, even the ones where I binge watch TV all day and do nothing...because I enjoy those things.  I've had a great life so far.  I have no regrets. And Royce & Lex, if you're reading this, I couldn't have been the way I am in this fight without you both being by my side every step of the way.  Now, we just need to figure out where we going on a family trip.  And I love you both so much.  Thank you, my babies, my 2 piece 'I'm the pepper", lol, 

Thank you all for your continuous support and prayers.  Please pray for all of the caregivers out there.  I think this journey is harder on them than it is us.

What about you?

How has your caregiver affected you through this journey?